Confidence is Tragic, Intuition: Magic

You don't know what you're getting til you've had your first taste.

Realization

When my parents used to tell me not to speak to strangers, I thought it meant to people I don’t know. Now I realize that strangers meant people you cannot trust in general. Some people my appear as friends but really, you probably know them as much as the person in front of you in the bus ride going home.

Random thought from a lesson I was taught years ago.

Better late than never: Resolutions 2013

2012 felt like a movie with an unexpected twist. I never thought that I would end up where I am today. But I guess, everything happens to lead us to the right path but you still have to take control of the wheel to hold on and pursue your dreams. Because of this I have made myself some resolutions to stay true to. Just last year I made a lifestyle change on my health and diet and luckily I was able to lose weight and still continue my 2012 resolution up to this moment. 2013 will be a lot similar but in a different aspect.

2013 will be about PATIENCE AND DEDICATION. I’m a very easily distracted girl and above the things I want, there are other things that I also want. I think, in the future I may be able to fulfill all my dreams but I must take it one step at a time instead of tackling them all at the same time. For now, as a 2nd year medical student, I plan to finish this year without any problems. After which, I will conquer third year medical school with as much perseverance and dedication a poor farmer has on his annual crops. This, as a farmer’s annual crops are, will be my security for the future. I cannot get distracted anymore. I’ve had my fun but I must begin to take the reigns on pursuing my dreams. Not all at once though. My dreams for my involvement in the fashion industry and theatre industry can come later. It’s never too late to involve oneself in the beauty of art anyway. But medicine, as an art itself, needs passion and dedication beyond the comforts of human life. This I’ve got to accept and live by. It’s a sacrifice I’ve got to accept and eventually learn to enjoy. I know I can do this. Medical doctor by 2015.

Of course, as a 22 year old, I still must be able to open myself to the possibilities of life and I am going to own this when I say, I have become quite open due to the twists and turns life gave me last year. I am frightened to death, but I am definitely looking forward to the changes and alternative endings life will be throwing at me this year. Love, the kind of love in a partnered relationship can wait and I am in no rush at all. But love, lust for life… This is something we all must take advantage of. Let it seduce us until we tire at the end of each day. There is no greater beauty than life itself and in appreciation of it we must fully accept its ups and downs. We just must enjoy the ride!

Aside from that, I will stay right on track with my diet and exercise lifestyle which I made last year. I do hope to lose a bit more by the end of the year.

Now, as a lot of people say, resolutions are forgotten mid year but really, as a person who (in my opinion) has been through a lot the year before, resolutions never stop until you give up. Sure you may face failures and it may disappoint you to the point of giving up but you’ve got to convince yourself to keep moving, to stay right on track. You have full control on who you want to be and resolutions are one way of making things happen. So yes, go after it, heck chase it! Go ahead and rest in between, just never ever give up! We are too young to let go; keep holding on. Sooner or later, we will become the people we dream to be. :)

U-Turn

It’s like I want certain things to happen but the more I wish them to happen or act on my plans to make them happen, something comes up and I’m left disappointed without the least of my desires becoming a reality. Everything seems to U-turn just when we’re a few kilometers away from the desired destination. 

Hahaha! Just really want something to go my way sometimes.

2012

3 more grueling months before this year will come to a close. 3 more months and I’m already exhausted. Much has happened in the span of 9 months and my life has honestly been turned around by these events. Now don’t get me wrong, sometimes, I find myself comfortable with the places that life has brought me to and I appreciate the reasons for all the negative events that have been handed to me but sometimes, I just feel like giving up. Not dying or anything but more of retiring to my solitary confinement away from it all to take time to breathe. The event that took place last Wednesday when a big chunk of my material life has been taken away from me has affected me in a weird way and although I am trying to detach myself from it, I can’t help but think of how I’ve betrayed my parents by letting that event take place. How could I have been so stupid? If ever they do get to read this, I’d like them to know how bad I feel about it and I am endlessly sorry for letting them down. I think about it constantly and truth be told, I think I am traumatized permanently by it… well actually, this whole year has traumatized me to no end. I really hope somehow, sometime, things can turn around. In the meantime though, I’ll try to keep going and just keep a positive outlook on life. I am not a fan of the movies I watch or the books I read for nothing. I’m a great believer in applying the wisdom we learn from those that have created them because any addition to our experience is a great help to get by life. So yeah, up I stand and step by step, I’ll get through. It’s my life and although I can’t control the things around me, I can control how I want to feel or how to react and through this, I will rise above the things that keep me still. We’re alive, we should be moving. :)

Meet my little bundle of joy, Lennon.  Growing up, due to some unforeseen events, I eventually found myself having difficulty reaching out to people and I also find it uncomfortable for even acquaintances to touch me (yes even a tap may unnerve) me. But Lennon is slowly teaching me that it’s okay. Yes, sometimes, I still get that shock when he crawls on me or jumps on me but somehow, I’m getting used to it and I love him to bits. Thank you Lennon. :)

Meet my little bundle of joy, Lennon.  Growing up, due to some unforeseen events, I eventually found myself having difficulty reaching out to people and I also find it uncomfortable for even acquaintances to touch me (yes even a tap may unnerve) me. But Lennon is slowly teaching me that it’s okay. Yes, sometimes, I still get that shock when he crawls on me or jumps on me but somehow, I’m getting used to it and I love him to bits. Thank you Lennon. :)

Thoughts on Karma and the events

No class again tomorrow. As much as I really would like to go to class, I really wish I could do something more than stay protected packing good or donating. I feel like nothing’s ever enough and somehow, I wish I could actually be in the same position as those suffering right now. It’d be a different kind of pain, a pain that would probably make all my problems look so menial at any perspective. If I did join them though, it wouldn’t be the same. I would’ve gained an experience when they would’ve gained only my sympathy. They don’t need that, they’ve lost all there is to lose already. If only, somehow, we could just push karma towards them… the good kind.

I’ve always liked to think that amidst all the different the hardships we experience, our happiness is always compensated to relieve us of all the bad events that happen in our lives. To simplify things, we all receive the same karma but in different forms. I’m not saying karma as a form or punishment but more of a balance of how we experience things. But really, this rain, these floods… are all too much and I’m beginning to wonder, how can I ever make up for their suffering so that somehow, I may be able to feel their pain, their loss and their suffering?

The Storm In My Brain

I sit here staring at my array of papers, books and highlighters in preparation of my exam tomorrow. I take a glance, breathe some words in and consequently, what I just read leaves my mind as I exhale. Why can’t I digest this?

The rain is pouring outside and as a child, I used to love this kind of weather. Born in the first week of August in the rainy city of London, I actually am inclined to love the rain. The rhythmic pattern of it’s parts hitting the roof, the chilly wind that seeps through the window and the dim yet soothing amount of light that seems to shine through the gray sky amidst the thick clouds, why can’t I study in these perfect conditions? I’ve turned on some John Mayer, then shifted on to some of Chris Brown’s slower tunes, I’ve probably tried everything to divert my mood to my exam tomorrow but nothing seems to be working.

I really hope that sometime soon (hopefully in the next few minutes) I will be able to find the motivation I need to study for my exam tomorrow. It doesn’t really help that the topic is about immunity. Sabrina Florence,you are back to your cycle of ups and downs and it isn’t helping; your high school teachers are right, you are immensely inconsistent and you tend to be very discriminatory when it comes to topics to study on.  *sigh* I really must get back to work. I really do hope that soon, I can rekindle my love for the rain and find it motivational enough to continue on with my studying. Also, I pray for those without a warm jacket, blanket or even a cup of warm java to keep them warm that somehow, they have company to keep their hearts warm and well.

180 Degree Turn

Everything is so different from last year. Tonight is going to be my first all-nighter away from everything familiar to me and tomorrow is going to be the exam for a subject that I’ve had the greatest difficulty in understanding. I just hope that somehow, my brain will manage to function a wee bit more than it’s supposed to. But if all else fails and I don’t pass tomorrow’s exam, I’ll do my best to turn it 180 degrees as life did to me on Summer 2012. But this time, I’ll do the controlling because this time, I’m going to direct it to the right direction.

Frustrating

Why oh why did I ever put my walls down for you?

You don’t know what you got til it’s gone…

You said it yourself but when you got it back, you didn’t keep it anyway. Nobody deserves to be treated like a substitute or a form of entertainment just to be pushed to the side when the real one comes along. 

Also, I took a chance. Had you as well, things might’ve turned differently. I wont guarantee it’s good but perhaps, different. And different is usually always good. Anyway, goodbye cowards, hullo freedom.

Questions

How could one receive the perfect words from the wrong person?
What do you do when had it in your hands but someone claimed them?
If it keeps happening again, do you give up?
If beautifully disastrous things don’t change, what do you do?

Persist

Persist
In a world so dark
Tomorrow’s unsure
Persist
One day we’ll make it through
Persist
Through thorns
You’ll come out pure
Persist
One day, these hearts we’ll cure

If all shall shatter
our sleeves are torn
We’ll spread our wings
Above this scorn
Persist
Even if we must die
Persist


Redundant But I have got to keep reminding myself especially in this turbulent times. Something simple and sorry, I haven’t written anything in centuries.